You only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow…
I love this song. I can’t tell you exactly why, but I feel like it represents so many feelings in my life right now. Not only that, but I find his voice soothing and relaxing and the lyrics just seem to speak to me. It’s like I know exactly what he’s talking about… in relation to everything.
Life has been trying lately. I probably can tell you exactly why, but it is so intricate and it is so intertwined. I’m feeling angry and lost about the prognosis of my wrist. My MRI results came back with 2 problems that may be related, but are also somewhat difficult problems to deal with on their own. There are some degenerative changes consistent with arthritis, but they are associated with some accessory wrist bone – some people have it surgically removed and some people don’t. I also have a glial cyst on the inside aspect of my wrist, where I have have the most acute pain. Again, could be removed surgically, or could be treated conservatively. Regardless, I have to see a hand surgeon… and what does that mean for my future in a demanding surgical specialty?
Naturally, I talked to KM about my frustrations and sadly, she has nothing encouraging (read: nothing I want to hear) to say about it. ”Better to deal with it now and realize if it will have long term ramifications than to have to deal with in in 5 years.” I don’t know if I agree, but I think deep down I know she’s right. I feel like my life has been one obstacle after another after another. Not fair.
Speaking of KM. God. That is an interesting situation all on it’s own. I came to a few interesting realizations lately and I haven’t really blogged about it because I don’t know how to say everything I’m feeling. One big, huge realization I had: maybe I’m looking to her for approval and attention and compassion because I’m not getting it in the places I should be getting it… (ahem, at home). And, maybe I’m worrying more about not having what I want from her when what I really should be worrying about is why I’m not getting it at home, what I can do about that, and (probably most importantly) why I seem to want to substitute it with someone/something else rather than work on the relationship with my husband.
That’s not to say that my marriage is falling apart or is in shambles. That is pretty far from the truth, but there are a lot of things that have and haven’t been said between us for a while and with the crazy lives we live, it so easily gets swept below the carpet. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been emotionally “cheating” because I think more about having a closeness with KM than trying to obtain that again with my husband. Isn’t that horrible? Anyway, all of this thinking and realization led to a rather large “un-hashing” between us this past weekend. I basically told him how I’ve been feeling in our relationship, how challenged I feel at home and at work, and how I constantly feel like I’m just not good enough at everything that I do – especially according to his standards. I think he got the point, but we’ll see what happens.
And, with all of that going on, we’ve still been talking about buying a new house. I think we’ve decided to go ahead with it. At first we focused on the financial stresses it will cause, at least until he finds a job after his board exams. Once that happens, we will be more than fine, but there are no guarantees about that right now. Then we started talking about how all the stress of this decision will affect our relationship. Let me just say that there is nothing like making a HUGE financial investment to bring out some of the deepest, darkest fears and conversations between a husband and wife.
There you have it… all my stress in a nutshell.
You only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
You only hate the road when you’re missing home…