I read a book once about Women who think too much. It is some sort of “self-help” book that is supposed to provide advice on how to lessen anxiety and stop over-thinking. I can’t say that I remember even one thing that the book said and my current state of mind is a perfect testament to that. Over the past few days I haven’t been able to stop thinking about anything and everything going on in my life at the moment:
1. I did crappy on my psychiatry NBME exam. I passed, but I did shitty and I feel bad about myself for that. What is the real problem? Was I just not adequately prepared? Did I not care enough to study enough? Am I going to keep doing this poorly on the rest of my NBME exams? What is that going to mean when I go to write my board exams?
2. I had an amazing time on my elective and I was kind of sad to come home. Up until last week, I thought I waned to do my residency here, but now I’m not so sure. What is the best decision to make for me? For my family? For my education? There are so many factors to consider and it is impossible to compare the pros and cons of the options because the things I love about here are not there and they are completely different than the things that I love about there… So complicated.
3. I am completely lacking motivation to do anything. I agreed to give a presentation in a few weeks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve tried to sit down and prepare for it all week, but I haven’t done anything. I’ve also started writing up a case report with KM, but I don’t even have motivation to do that. I, of course, have no desire to study, and this week, the elective I’ve been on is kind of boring, making it difficult for me to stay motivated to learn.
4. I’m beginning to realize that I want to have a baby girl more than I originally thought. I just don’t know if it’s responsible for me to have another baby, given my career choices, and given how horrible my pregnancies are. I feel good about my new body after losing all my body weight and I’m not sure if I actually want to be pregnant again. Also, I think if someone told me that I would have another boy, I’d probably say “I’m happy with two kids.” 50/50 is always going to be 50/50. Is it worth the chance, given everything else I have to consider?
5. I am supposed to be starting a 2-week elective in neonatology next week. However, a friend of mine is currently doing an elective there and she has told me repeatedly that the teaching and the learning opportunities there are really lacking. Given that this current elective of mine is really boring, I am not looking forward to it at all. I spoke with the administrative head of the med school and she said that if I was able to substitue part of the elective with an alterante elective on short notice, she didn’t see why I couldn’t shorten the elective. Well, I did that. The following two weeks are supposed to be with KM and her colleague so I asked her if I could come a week earlier and she was very receptive to this idea. She even said that there is SO much going on that there would be more than enough for me to do. I was excited for about 5 minutes… until I went to the department of pediatrics with the information and they want to “think about it” because it would be considered unprofessional for me to make changes on such short notice. Isn’t it unprofessional of them to offer an elective on which they do no teaching??? I am kind of frustrated!!!
So, those are just the top 5 things that are on my mind at the moment. There are a lot of other things floating around in there too (or should I say, squished against the inside of my skull between all those other things), but I would be here for hours listing them all off. All these thoughts have been getting me down a little… Maybe feeling down came first and as a result, all these other things seem much worse than they are. Who knows.
I sure as hell don’t know! I wish I did!