In the shower. Water is beating down against my back. Hot water, scalding hot, hotter that I can handle. I can’t feel the heat. I can’t feel anything – I am numb.
What just happened to me? I don’t know. I can’t know. I don’t want to know.
The water is running off my body – hot, dirty, stained. Out Damned Spot, Out I Say… It’s not coming out, it’s not washing off. It didn’t work for her, it won’t work for me.
In my own house. In my own bed. My own lover… is he a lover? Monster? Yes, Monster. What just happened to me?
Knocking on the bathroom door. Go Away! Go Away! I’m crying. Words come sopping wet out of my mouth. Tears are hot, hotter than the water, burning holes in my face. My beautiful face – not beautiful anymore.
I thought I was safe, I thought I was loved. I was in control, yes? No. I said No. Didn’t I say No? I thought I said No.
I’m sorry, he said. It was a mistake, he said. I didn’t mean it, he said. I Love You… he said.
He’s yelling – through the door, over the water – the hot, burning water. I’m locked in and there’s no way out. I am weak. I was weak.
I am broken. I am gone.
In an instant.
Loved becomes abused. Confidence becomes uncertainty. Faith becomes doubt. Life becomes worthless.
In response to the weekly writing challenge
This is one of those writings that selecting the “like” button just doesn’t seem right. Even if it was to let you know I read the post. Very powerful last paragraph. Thanks for writing!
I keep saying we need a “hugs” button for posts like this one.
YES! Fantastic idea.
As someone who grew up in an abusive home I understand the pain you are going through. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make it all go away. I can tell you though that things do get better. One day the bruises and cuts and pain will just be scars there reminding you what was, but is no more.
I’m sorry to hear that you went through so much pain. I look back on this experience now and I think it was much more of a learning experience. It will make me a better, more empathetic physician one day. I am not that person anymore, but I can completely understand how and why women feel the way they do when they are in an abusive relationship.
G.
Definitely makes you stronger than you ever thought you could be.
I hope things have changed and realize that life does have a purpose! I look forward to reading more from you!
Thanks for reading!
This even happened quite a few years ago and I have come a long way since then. I Think about this moment quite often, although I’eve never told anyone about it (except my husband), until now. I felt that it really fit into the prompt of a moment that changed my life forever.
G.
Gut-wrenching and powerful.
Thank-you.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s one of those posts which caused me to go back and read again.
Thanks for reading it, again. Your comment makes so much sense to me, because I often go back and re-read posts that have touched me deeply – posts that I feel need more of my attention than I gave it the first time around.
G.
Very powerful. Very sorry this happened to you.
Thank-you
Oh, this is so painful and powerful to read. I can relate and you are not alone.
Thank-you for reading. I am glad we can know we aren’t alone.
G.
Powerful post, thanks for sharing.
Touching.. ..
Wow. Just wow. Very powerful, and I sincerely hope you’re out of that relationship and in a better, safer, more healing place now.
Thank-you. Yes, that relationship ended 7 years ago and I am now happily married to a wonderful man who has worked through so many challenges with me. I appreciate your concern, and thanks for reading!
G.
I can relate to this. It reinforces the belief that I’m not alone here. Thanks for sharing.
It sure is nice to realize that we aren’t alone in this world. I’m sorry you experienced it too.
Thanks for reading,
G.
Capturing the moment when it all the cards are on the table. Now to pull the ace from your sleeve, and if there isn’t one of those, time to go back to school and come out swinging.
Intensely emotional. This prose is poetic in nature and seems to give you the appropriate out of body voice that makes this such a powerful piece. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Geoff! I reflected a lot on this experience over the years and I was amazed at how easily I was able to put it down in writing, and in a way that so accurately captured the emotion I was feeling. It sure is amazing (and scary) to think of how powerful and enduring these kinds of emotions are.
Thanks for reading,
G.
Very powerful piece an well doen for having the courage to share
Thank-you!
{{{HUGS}}} You are brave and healed…
Thanks!
Oh wow – written so well! Congrats on freshly pressed!
Thanks! I was very surprised!
I agree with Rose Chimera. Pushing the like button doesn’t seem right, but this post makes me empathize with you. I’m glad you are healed and well. You did a fantastic job of putting your thoughts and feelings into words.
Thanks for your comment! I’m happy to hear that the post evokes empathy for you. I think the whole world needs more empathy!
G.
This is very powerful writing.
Thank-you, Matt!
Am very sorry this happened to you and hope healing builds on the courage you already possess.
Thanks!
This is just a fantastic post…powerful and deeply moving. It takes a tremendously strong person to share this.
Thanks, Paul!
I like to hear that people think I’m strong
G.
LOL
Awesome job for a weekly challenge, wow and congrats on the work and Freshly Pressed!
Thanks!
Was a pleasure! yw
Very well written. There’s so much imagination that this small piece of prose conjures up, it’s almost unbelievable. Touched by a single paragraph.
Thanks!
I’m glad you enjoyed it!
G.
As a fellow survivor of abuse, I am in awe at your courage for sharing your story in this way. My story happened many, many years ago, but the scars never seem to completely fade away. It does stop haunting you, but it shapes you in ways others cannot understand. I applaud you. Well written!
Thanks for your comment, Mimi.
These moments never seem to go away, and I think sometimes it’s a good thing, otherwise we forget the lessons they taught us. My husband doesn’t read this blog, but I told him that I got freshly pressed and that it was a post I wrote about this topic. He said, “oh, I didn’t know you still think about that. It was so long ago.” I had to remind him that I think about it all the time, but I don’t think he really understood why.
G.
Whoa! As a guy I would feel horrible if I found out I made someone feel like this!
Really nice piece, very powerful.
Thanks for having the courage to share!
Rohan.
I’m gad to hear that my post made you think that way.
Thanks for reading,
G.
I love the openness, the raw emotion here. Only rarely am I brave enough to put that much emotion on paper, much less to share it with others. It’s as though… putting it down like that makes it REAL. It validates the nightmare. Even years later, when you’ve healed. But at the same time, there’s a sort of healing in and of itself in doing this. *A nod to your post*
Thank-you!
I think the only reason I was finally able to write it own and share it was because I could do it in this “anonymous” way. Knowing that I can bare my insides on this blog without all the stares and judgement and pity… It’s refreshing and liberating.
Thanks for reading,
G.
Congrats on being freshly pressed. Gripping use of introspection and outside action. I am going to see what else you have done.
Thanks!
That juxtaposition is exactly what I was going for. I wanted to convey the emotions and the actions together, without coming out and blatantly saying what happened. It’s not about what happened, it about what it did to me… which was the whole point of the weekly challenge prompt.
G.
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G piece of writing here my friend! *applause*
Thank-you!
Very powerful piece… I strongly believe that all such horrible people will get it back for whatever wrong they did to ones who blindly trusted them and that day will surely come.
Yes, I believe that too!
Thanks for reading,
G.
This style of writing is something I really aspire to.
Thank you so much x
Thanks for you compliment! I’m happy to hear it!
G.
Very powerful, felt I shared your pain. Hugs! And Congrats on getting freshly pressed
Thanks!
Beautiful, haunting and moving.
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That was some very gripping and painful writing. I’m glad you’ve moved past this moment in your life to (what I assume?) are bigger and better things.
Yes, much bigger, much better, and a million times happer (most times!)
Wow. I don’t want to ‘like’ this either. Reading your comments, it’s great to hear you’ve come through the other side ok.
Thanks for reading!
If you continue to write like this, then you’ll always be beautiful!
Thanks!
it is very well written indeed. I would have liked a little detailing though.
Thanks,
LIke I said in a previous comment, the post is about how I felt, not necessarily the action itself. The details of that don’t matter, and in fact I don’t even really remember them. I just remember how they made me feel.
G.
It took me a while to understand that even though I was told that I was worthless,I had and still have tremendous value to my true Father.
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Thank you for sharing. And, even more, thank you for making clear that you have created a wonderful life afterward.
You’re welcome. Thanks for coming by and reading.
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I keep coming back to this post. (You know why.) Do you mind if I reblog it?
No, not at all! Please do…
Thank you!
Reblogged this on Meizac and commented:
I read this post the other day, and I keep going back to it. Unfortunately, it speaks to me and, I imagine (also unfortunately), to many of you.
Wow. Don’t know what to say…this post grinds at my heart.
Thanks for reading! I don’t know if grinding at your heart is in a good way or a bad way, but I guess it is emotional… That’s all that matters, I think!
Your post was profoundly powerful and I am grateful you put it out there. It’s one of those posts that causes you to pause, stare at the wall, and wonder how you can help make the world a better place.
Reblogged this on Primal Night's and commented:
I sometimes wonder if this is what I have put Catnip through but on a emotional level in stead of a physical one. I don’t think so, if I did think so I would leave her alone in the kindest way possible, if that makes sense.
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