The Instant I Was Broken

In the shower.  Water is beating down against my back.  Hot water, scalding hot, hotter that I can handle.  I can’t feel the heat.  I can’t feel anything – I am numb.

What just happened to me?  I don’t know.  I can’t know.  I don’t want to know.

The water is running off my body – hot, dirty, stained.  Out Damned Spot, Out I Say… It’s not coming out, it’s not washing off.  It didn’t work for her, it won’t work for me.

In my own house.  In my own bed.  My own lover… is he a lover?  Monster?  Yes, Monster. What just happened to me?

Knocking on the bathroom door.  Go Away!  Go Away!  I’m crying.  Words come sopping wet out of my mouth.   Tears are hot, hotter than the water, burning holes in my face.  My beautiful face – not beautiful anymore.

I thought I was safe, I thought I was loved.  I was in control, yes?  No.  I said No.  Didn’t I say No?  I thought I said No.

I’m sorry, he said.  It was a mistake, he said.  I didn’t mean it, he said.  I Love You… he said.

He’s yelling – through the door, over the water – the hot, burning water.  I’m locked in and there’s no way out.  I am weak.  I was weak.

I am broken. I am gone.

In an instant.

Loved becomes abused.  Confidence becomes uncertainty.  Faith becomes doubt. Life becomes worthless.

In response to the weekly writing challenge

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About crankygiraffe

I'm a woman... a wife, a mother, a daughter, a medical resident. I spend all my time doing the right thing... I can be cynical, grumpy, and emotional, but I keep it to myself most of the time. I need a place to let my insides out - anonymously. No judgement here!
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92 Responses to The Instant I Was Broken

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