I haven’t been able to sleep the last few nights. I have a hard time falling asleep and then after a few hours I wake up and can’t get back to sleep.
I ruminate. And ruminate. And I wish I could just turn off my brain and go back to sleep. I hope this chapter of my life ends very soon.
There is nothing I can do to change where my life is going. I am trying to concentrate on the positives, I just wish I knew how to keep the sadness at bay.
Match day did not go as planned.
I didn’t get my first choice – my home program – which has really shocked everyone I know.
I didn’t get my second choice, either. So, all that fretting over which to pick first and second really didn’t matter.
I got my third choice. I am still going to be an obstetrician/gynecologist. I am just going to be doing my training somewhere else. I am thankful, at least, that I will get to do my dream job.
I spent most of the day yesterday crying – crying in pain from my surgery, and crying for everything that I will be leaving behind in a few short months. I have a wonderful life here and I am so sad that I have to pick up and leave and there is nothing I can do about it. I have really been trying to concentrate on the positive aspects about it all: I will actually be closer to my family, which was a concern of mine from the beginning. I will be in a better training program than the one they have here, I will have more opportunity, I will be working in a higher risk centre with more to learn, I will be working in a brand-new, state of the art women’s hospital. There are more positives… really. And, I did feel really good about that program when I went there for an elective and for interviews.
Despite all the positive aspects, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ll be leaving behind so, so much. My friends, my mentors, my support network, my dream house, my security, the perfect vision I had for my perfect future here. All of that is gone.
I know, eventually I will make a new home. I know I will be okay. But that doesn’t make this hurt any less.
Posted in All Posts
Tagged Emotions, Experience, Life, Match, Moving, O&G, Residency, sad, Shocked, Stress, Surprised
Well, I survived the surgery. And as expected, he didn’t find anything out of the ordinary. But then again, he wasn’t expecting to. He hinted a few times to me, over the past few appointments I’ve met with him, that this could all be caused by my anxiety. This always makes me so angry, not because it’s not a possibility, but because it seems like it is the default answer that everyone gives.
He gave me a copy of the letter he wrote to my family doctor after he initially met with me. In the letter, he commented on the fact that I have anxiety, that I am taking medication for it, and that I am seeing someone about it. he then goes on to say that I have a normal physical exam and that he believes that my pain is caused because my anxiety needs to be better controlled. He was willing to offer me aggressive investigations to “ease my mind.” He suggested that if everything comes back normal, I should work on better controlling my anxiety. You have no idea how angry and frustrated and hurt I was to read this.
I remember telling him about my anxiety during the first consultation. I saw this little “switch” go off in his head and the look in his eyes changed slightly, like he had already made up his mind about my pain before giving my assessment a fair shot. Interestingly, I noticed the same look in the eyes of all the other doctors whom I’ve seen regarding this problem. In fact, the only two people who don’t seem to think this is an anxiety problem are my family doctor and my psychiatrist… the two people who know me and my anxiety the best.
I hate telling people that I have anxiety and this is the reason why. I have dealt with anxiety for many many years and I know how my body responds ot anxiety and stress. I am currently doing more to deal with my anxiety than I ever have in the past, yet because I “suffer” from anxiety, all my bodily complaints are automatically caused by anxiety.
I was on the fence about having this surgery done in the first place. I really felt uneasy about having it done when there was a good chance that everything would be normal. I probably wouldn’t have had it done if I knew that my surgeon was doing it to “ease my mind” and not because he thought there might actually be a “real” cause for my pain.
I am a victim to the stigma of anxiety. I woke up this morning in a lot of pain from the surgery and it feels like I’ve woken up with a bad hangover and the guy who said he loved me last night, is now nowhere to be found.
I L-O-V-E surgery. I love scrubbing and gowning up performing the surgery.
Turns out I don’t love surgery when I’m the patient.
I can’t believe how nervous I am about having surgery (and even such a small one, at that) considering that I like to do surgery so much… considering that I want to be a surgeon…
Maybe it’s because I know what’s going to happen… every step of the way:
After I get an IV, they’ll strap me to the table, tell me that the propofol will sting a little going into my arm. Then they’ll wait until I’m off to sleep and intubate me. Then they’ll spread my legs and put in a catheter. Then they’ll scrub my abdomen with chlorhexidine and put up sterile drapes before they make a 2cm hole in the top of my belly-button. They’ll inflate my belly full of gas and shove a camera inside to look around. They’ll look at my liver and my gall bladder before they turn the camera around and look into my pelvis at my uterus and ovaries. Then they’ll start to make the other two port holes they need for their instruments: one two finger breadths above the pubic bone and the other somewhere over on the left side of my abdomen. They’ll put some atraumatic graspers into these ports and run my whole bowel… In other words, they’ll go over my bowel, inch by inch, trying to find some kind of abnormality. Then, they’ll get to work at taking out my appendix by clipping off its connection to the cecum and its blood supply and cauterizing it off of all its attachments. Then they’ll put a little bag into my abdomen, put the appendix into the bag and then pull the bag out trough my belly button. That last part might sound easy, but OMG, it can certainly be a struggle sometimes! Then they’ll deflate my abdomen as best they can – with blood splattering out of the incisions as the air makes little farting sounds, stitch up the holes they made, and cover them up with bandages. As I wake up, I’ll gag on the breathing tube until they pull it out of my throat, and I’ll probably suffer from post-operative nausea for the next few hours after its all done. Then I’ll have pain… probably more pain than I have now, at least until everything heals.
Sounds fun, doesn’t it!?!
I just hope that at the end of the day I’ll have an answer to all my pain.
I haven’t been around the blogging world for the last week because I’ve been working a lot and getting my life organized for my surgery tomorrow. I’ve pretty much been working non-stop since last Wednesday and that includes today – I’m about to start a 12 hour shift in our emergency department.
In addition to working hard, I’ve been trying to make a few changes in my life, the most notable one being mindfulness. I’ve tried mindfulness in small doses before, but I have previously bought books about mindfulness based stress reduction and I’ve never gotten around to reading them (ironically). This past week I have been making an effort to read Jon Kabat-Zinn’s “Mindfulness for Beginners” book a little bit each night, and do se of the meditation exercises. I know I have to commit to this for a long time to make it a useful part of my life, but I have to say, I really enjoy it. Hopefully it will make a difference to my anxiety and stress, at least before I start residency!
Anyhow, I’m off now to do a little bit if mindfulness meditation before I start my shift. I work until late tonight, then surgery tomorrow, then match day on Wednesday. Busy, stressful week!