Two years ago I wrote my first blog post on The Cranky Giraffe. What a difference two years makes!
My first year of blogging was huge and saw me through the challenge of coming to terms my history of abuse as well as establishing a healthy mentoring relationship.
My second year of blogging was instrumental in continuing and advancing my mentorship/friendship and it witnessed the biggest and most unexpected change in my life his far.
I am still heavily affected by the events highlighted in my last year of blogging. As such, I foresee my third year of blogging invoke a lot of working through and overcoming everything involved in my move and the beginning of residency. I guess we’ll see how it all plays out!
I’m hoping to participate in another year of NaBloPoMo next month – I’ve been finding it difficult to blog everyday, but hopefully I can complete it for a third year!
Thanks for following The Cranky Giraffe!
It’s been two weeks since I made my last post. I’ve been around, mostly looking in on other blogs, but I just haven’t had the gumption to write. It’s not like me. Usually I want to write so much and I just don’t have the time. I guess maybe that’s partly been the case here too – but now look who’s making excuses.
I haven’t been feeling well. A few weeks ago I upped my dose of cymbalta (after having more of those anxiety attacks). I also got my flu shot two weeks ago – and it has all really knocked me out. I am still feeling extremely exhausted all the time. Two days after the flu shot I started having drenching night sweats. I thought it was the flu shot, but they have persisted up until now. I’ve noticed myself looking and feeling “chubbier” (it is especially noticeable in my breasts, which now fill my previously loose and baggy bras). I’m not nauseous anymore, so I’ve been eating more. I notice myself eating because I want to, not because I’m hungry. I finally forced myself to come face to face with the numbers – and I’ve gained 4Kg (9lbs) in 3 weeks. I’ve still been running between 5K and 8K at least once per week and I get an average of 10,000 steps per day on my fitbit, and I do nightly “exercises” as part of a challenge I do with K. I’ve generally been feeling physically gross and mentally unhappy.
Is this a side effect of increasing the medication?
Am I just eating too much and not exercising enough?
Am I getting depressed?
Or is there something else wrong with me?
Yesterday was a bad day. I was post call. I only got 4 hours of sleep after not seeing my call room all night. Then I went to see my psychologist – we had one of those sessions that she’d think was “excellent.” You know, the kind where I end up crying uncontrollably in some cathartic fashion for the last 10 minutes of the session. (I’m going to write about it, but I’m still trying to think about it)
I cried as I drove to my next appointment with my family doctor. I cried more there. We decided to change my medications again. This time lowering the dose back to before and adding back wellbutrin (which I really liked, but I think made me a little nauseous and contributed to my increased anxiety). She said that the two medications have great synergy and often can cancel out each others side effects. I hope that is the answer.
I need to feel better. I need to lose the weight I gained. I need to get back to the old me.
Tomorrow you are presenting rounds. I want to tell you that I wish I could be there, because I do. But the problem is that I wish I could be there for so, so many reasons.
If I close my eyes, I don’t have to try very hard to imagine what it would be like to be there.
I know the room: I know the feeling of the seats and the way you can never reliably leave your coffee on the desks without it sliding to the floor. I know who will be there: I see the postures and faces of the people who will be listening. I fantasize of the conversations I would have with the people sitting near me. I hear your voice and am captivated by your confidence and expertise.
And when it is over, I would still be there and getting ready to do the things I thought I would always do there.
Being there means being back where I belong – back with my community. I imagine an empty seat where I’m supposed to be sitting: however, no one else knows I’m missing because there is no reason I should be there.
I wish I could be there to hear your talk and to be a happy, smiling, supportive face in the audience. But, I also wish I was there for me, because if I was there, I wouldn’t be so lost.
Every once in a while I have a day when I am “just down.”
That’s it. Down.
I feel stupid, unmotivated, lonely, incompetent, uninterested, and generally unhappy with my life.
I wonder if I’m doing the right things in life. I question whether I made the right decisions, if I’ve trusted the right people, and if I’m ever going to feel truly happy.
I wish I had someone to hug me and comfort me and be supportive or helpful. But I feel like I have no one. And, I don’t even really know what I would need to feel comforted and supported.
Mostly I just feel confused, and lost, and helpless.
The worst part (if there is a “worst part”) is that I don’t know how these days come to be – I don’t know what triggers me to feel this way. Or, maybe I do know, but I know it’s just stupid. Or maybe it’s just a culmination of everything that I feel is wrong in my life.
I wish I knew how to fix things.
I wish I knew how to stop having these downer kind of days.
How much multi-tasking can you do?
I have multiple goals today and am, therefore, multi-tasking to the max.
1. I am scrubbing for 6 c-sections today.
2. Here (for some reason), the surgeons are obsessed with 2-handed ties. They don’t really teach these in medical school (and no one in my last program ever used them). If you don’t know how to two hand tie, most docs won’t let you suture anything in the OR. So, I am practicing 2-handed ties, especially with my non-dominant hand … I got them down with my dominant hand.
3. I am 20,000+ steps behind K on our fitbit step challenge. I am usually in the lead, so being this far behind is hard for me to handle. I am also at my lowest 7 day step total ever. So I am trying to walk laps around this rather small hospital to get my steps up. This is especially important given that I will accumulate no steps while standing in the OR for 6 surgeries.
4. I am trying to get my life in order… Like fax off our nanny application forms. Send in A’s referral forms for development assessment, and drink lots of coffee to stay awake.
So, here’s what m day looks like: